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“I have seen, I have told:  a first-person story”

 

John 20:1-18

Rev. Dr. Marisa Laviola

First Congregational Church of Morrisville

Easter, April 12, 2009

 

             My name is Mary. I am a friend of Jesus whom they crucified just two days ago.  I am on my way to tell my sisters and brothers about an extraordinary. . . a confusing experience I just had.  I think, I hope, I just saw Jesus. I touched him. . .at least I think I touched him. I think he told me it was not yet time for me to touch him, that I would have other opportunities to touch him. We talked.  I think we talked.  I hope we talked. Everything is hazy, almost like in a dream.  But I must get to my friends to tell them what he told me to tell them. . .

Let me tell you my story first. . .Maybe if I tell you my story, maybe as you witness my story, maybe my story will become more real.

             We, the other women and I, came very early this morning to anoint Jesus’ body with embalming oils.  We were not able to come until this morning, until after the Sabbath ended.  But his body was gone.  It was gone.  Oh how awful that was. We were there when he was laid in the tomb less than two days ago, just before the Sabbath began. We saw Joseph of Arimathea take him down from the cross. We walked with him as he carried Jesus to the tomb. We wrapped Jesus in the burial garment and lay him on the ground.  Then the stone was rolled into place.  It all happened quickly because we had to bury him before sunset and the beginning of Sabbath. We didn’t want to wait so long, but we couldn’t come back until daybreak because of the Sabbath.  But when we returned to the tomb for embalming, the stone was gone.  And when I looked into the tomb, his body was gone.  Only the burial clothes were there.  I ran to get Peter and John.  We could not imagine what had happened to him, how the stone was rolled away, or who took him. I think Peter and John are a little crazy with worry. After I told them that Jesus’ body was missing, they ran to the tomb, tripping over each other in their frenzy. Then John mumbled something about believing something or other, but I do not think he knew what he was saying.  They  looked so scared and told me they were going back to the room where they were staying.

             But I could not leave. I had to find Jesus’ body. I was tortured by my grief.  I cried so much that I could not see, I could not think, I shook with sobs of pain. Where was my Jesus? It was bad enough that my dear Jesus had died, but I had not really said goodbye. I had not anointed his body and said my final goodbye. Now I would never get the chance. I could not even stand; I was so bent over by my pain. 

I peered again into the tomb, into the darkness, hoping beyond hope that his body would somehow magically appear.  Then I saw some figures there. I did not remember them being there before and I could not imagine what they were doing there now. I thought perhaps they had taken Jesus’ body and knew where Jesus’ body was.  I thought maybe they had taken him and placed him somewhere else. But before I could ask, they asked me such a silly question.  They said, “Why are you crying?”  Why was I crying? My God, they were sitting in an empty tomb, where Jesus’ body had lain just two days ago.  Couldn’t they figure out why I was crying? 

             Then someone else was there, beckoning me, seeming to call me, as I stood bent over in my pain and confusion.  At first I thought it was again the voice of one of those figures.  But this voice was familiar somehow.  I thought maybe I was just hearing things that were coming from my grief-filled mind. I heard my name being called.  “Mary.” How did this unknown voice know my name? “Mary.” But, somehow this voice was familiar.  “Mary” I turned around. “Mary.” Through tear filled eyes, and a stupefied mind, I saw him! “Mary” It was Jesus! Not his dead body, not his lifeless form, not his stiff corpse on a cold ground. “Mary.” This was Jesus standing upright and calling my name “Mary” just as he had always called me! “Mary.” All my senses went wild in one split moment!  I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears. My memory brought me back to his lifeless body just two days ago covered in blood, spittle, and sweat.  I gazed upon his shimmery presence through watery and glassy eyes, I heard his ethereal voice as music to partially blocked ears, I felt his sweet breath on my tear-stained and partially numbed face.  I sensed his fleeting presence with my tenuous touch. .“Mary.” “Rabbouni!”       

I collapsed into him in almost a faint. I just wanted to fall into him, to make sure he was there. His presence supported me with a strength that I did not anticipate.  Was this Jesus who was crucified or someone else who looked like Jesus? Was this some kind of nasty trick?  Had he escaped the Romans and now had come to tell me that someone else was crucified? Or was he here to tell me that he didn’t really die; that there is no body to be found? 

He’s alive, he’s alive! I can have him back! We can go on as if nothing ever happened! He again can be my teacher, my friend.  We can eat together, drink together, have fellowship together with my brothers and sisters who now cringe in their rooms with fear and grief.  My mind began to race with joy and anticipation. Oh rapture, oh bliss, we can have him back; things can be just as they have been. . .         

             But his next words jerked me back to the space of the tomb.  His next words clouded my mind once more.  His words to me confused and wrenched my heart. He said we couldn’t ever be the way we were during his earthly life because he was no longer of this earthly time or space.  Yes, his presence was sure, but He wasn’t alive in the same way as before and he never would be again.  He said he must return to God before we could be together again.  But he assured me we would be together again, although different than before.  He wanted to let me know that his body is not lost, that I need not grieve and long for him.  He wanted me to know that he is with me, will always be with me, but in a different way that I do not yet know.

.            I can still hear his words ringing in my ears—that he could not be with me in the same way as before--and how disappointed I felt--that he understands that I want him back and that I want things back the way they were, like he had never died--that I’ll always have him, in ways that I could not even imagine, even though things could not be the same as before his earthly death.  He said I could have him in ways that would be even better.  He told me that although right now I might not understand, like, or even want to hear what he was saying to me, in time I’ll come to understand.  I’ll come to feel his love with me, upholding me, undergirding me, nurturing and caring for me.

             I wish I could tell you how much my heart is saying right now, all that my heart is feeling right now. I lost my dearest teacher and friend to a hideous death from which I could not rescue him.  When I thought I had lost his body my grief was more than I could bear.  When I thought I could not say my final goodbye with anointing and embalming oils, I thought I would die myself from unquenchable pain.  When I saw him again and heard his voice calling my name, I thought I was in a dream, somewhere between what is real and what is not real.  My feelings ran together with relief that he was not lost and hope that he was alive again.  I was overcome again with loss when he told me he could not be with me as he had been before; yet I was confused with his words that I can have him again, and in a richer, more blessed way.

             Thank you for listening to my story.  Sharing has helped to begin to clear my mind and feelings. I think that Jesus and I stood in that tomb together, somewhere between the life of this world and the life of another world.  I know this might sound crazy but I wonder if Jesus and I occupied a space that no mortal has ever before occupied.  I wonder if Jesus was standing there with me in the intensity of my unquenchable grieving pain, offering me the gift of life that no one before has been offered.  I wonder if he was inviting me to look beyond the finiteness of mortal life, the mortality of fleshly presence.  I wonder if he was inviting me, anticipating with me, loving me, into another space of spiritual presence.  Perhaps this is a space in which we will never be separated.

I must go now. I have much to contemplate and much to ponder. Jesus came to me in the space of that tomb.  He met me in my inconsolable grief, touched and breathed his love to me, met me with the slightest dawn of hope that I will yet have him. 

I must go now.  I must tell my sisters and brothers. I must tell them that his body is not lost.  I must tell them that he has met me and he says he will meet them all again very soon.  I must tell them that maybe Jesus meant what he said when he promised that he would not leave us orphaned; when he promised that he will come to us whenever and wherever we need him; when he promised that in him there is new life, a life of eternal intimacy, a life of infinite presence, a life that will not die.

             My brothers and sisters will probably think I'm out of my mind.  I have a feeling that they will have to be with Jesus in this new way, as I have been with Jesus in this new way, for themselves.  I have a feeling that all of us together will need to talk with Jesus and with one another for many days to come, so that this new life will become more real.  I have a feeling that when Jesus returns from God and comes to all of us again, our lives will never be the same.  I have this feeling that somehow we all will be forever changed.   

“Seeing with our hearts”

Rev. Dr. Marisa Laviola

John 20:19-31

First Congregational Church of Morrisville

April 19, 2009

 

“It was evening on that day, the first day of the week.”

(IT WAS THE SAME DAY THAT MARY MET JESUS IN THE TOMB, THE SAME DAY THAT MARY TOLD THOSE GATHERED THAT SHE HAD SEEN JESUS.)

“And the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews.”

(DID THEY BELIEVE HER?  SHE IS JESUS’ CLOSEST FEMALE FRIEND, BUT WHY WOULD JESUS APPEAR TO HER FIRST?  AFTER ALL, SHE IS JUST A WOMAN. IS SHE CRAZY WITH GRIEF? OR IS JESUS KEEPING HIS PROMISE OF NEVER LEAVING THEM? THEIR TERRIFIED HEARTS WERE SO VERY FULL OF DOUBT AND TERROR.).

“Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you‘."

(PEACE? WHY WOULD ANYONE SPEAK PEACE AT THIS MOMENT? WORDS THEY LONG TO HEAR, BUT WORDS THEY DO NOT FEEL THEY DESERVE.  THEY FEEL MORE DESERVING OF ANGER AND RECRIMINATION.  THEY FEEL MORE TURMOIL THAN PEACE.  FOR ABANDONING THEIR BELOVED LEADER AT HIS GREATEST HOUR OF NEED, FOR DENYING HIM, FOR LEAVING HIM TO TORTURE AND DEATH.) 

“After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.”

(SEEING IS BELIEVING—THIS IS JESUS—THE EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.  AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO LOOK UPON THE SIGNS OF CRUCIFIXION, SOMEHOW SUCH EVIDENCE MAKES JESUS’ WORDS OF PEACE MORE REAL, MAKES THE PRESENCE OF THEIR TEACHER, BELOVED OF GOD MORE AUTHENTIC.)

“Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.’ When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit.  If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained‘." 

(WHOA, HOLD ON NOW.  PEACE IS ONE THING, BUT WHAT’S HE SAYING NOW?  THIS IS A TERRIFIED BUNCH OF MEN AND WOMEN, HUDDLED IN AWESOME FEAR AND ANGUISH, IN A STATE OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS.  HOW CAN HE THEN GIVE THEM A FORTASTE OF PENTECOST!!!!  AS I HAVE BEEN SENT, SO I SEND YOU?  WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?  JESUS, ARE YOU KIDDING?  THIS GROUP OF BEATEN DOWN AND DISILLUSIONED PEOPLE HAVE JUST MET YOU ANEW, A GHOST PERHAPS, REAL PERHAPS, BUT THE GRIEF AND TORTURE OF THE PAST DAYS ARE STILL SO RIPE AND RAW!  SEND THEM FOR WHAT?  WHAT COURAGE CAN THEY POSSIBLY HAVE IN THE FACE OF THEIR FEELINGS OF WEAKNESS AND FAILURE?  HOW CAN THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT ARE SINS AND WHAT ARE NOT SINS?  THEY FEEL LIKE THE WORST OF SINNERS RIGHT NOW.)

“But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came.” 

(NO, THOMAS WAS OUT.  WE DON’T KNOW WHY.  PERHAPS HE HAD RESPONDED TO MARY’S WITNESS BY GOING OUT TO SEARCH FOR CLUES. OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST OUT GETTING THE GROCERIES. AFTER ALL, THEY HAD TO EAT.)

“So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord.’ But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe‘." 

(DOUBTING THOMAS, WE HAVE FONDLY COME TO KNOW HIM.  BUT IS THAT A FAIR LABEL?  ISN’T HE JUST ASKING FOR WHAT THE OTHER DISCIPLES HAVE ALREADY SEEN? IS HE MORE DOUBTING THAN ANY OF THEM WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE MARY’S ACCOUNT?  WOULDN’T ANYONE DOUBT WHO IS GIVEN SUCH PREPOSTEROUS NEWS AND WANT PHYSICAL PROOF?)

“A week later his disciples were again in the house and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you‘."

(DID JESUS WAIT A WHOLE WEEK TO RETURN AGAIN?  OR WAS THOMAS MORE OUT OF THE ROOM THAN IN THE ROOM?  MAYBE STILL LOOKING FOR CLUES, MAYBE TOO AFRAID OF WHAT HE MAY OR MAY NOT SEE IF HE STAYED IN THE ROOM FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME?)

“Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.’  Thomas answered him, ‘My Lord and my God!’ 

(SEEING IS BELIEVING! LIKE THE OTHER DISCIPLES, THOMAS NEEDED TO SEE EVIDENCE OF THE CRUCIFIXION IN ORDER TO BELIEVE EVIDENCE OF THE NEW LIFE.  HE NEEDED TO SEE EVIDENCE THAT JESUS HAD IN FACT DIED IN ORDER TO BELIEVE THAT JESUS WAS THERE, A NEW PRESENCE OF HOPE AND LIFE.)

“Jesus said to him, ‘Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe‘."

(THIS GOSPEL WAS WRITTEN 60 YEARS AFTER THE REPORT OF THESE HAPPENINGS, MANY YEARS AFTER THESE EYE WITNESSES LIVED ON THE EARTH.  THESE LAST WORDS WERE WRITTEN FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WHO DID NOT KNOW JESUS PERSONALLY, BUT WHOSE FAITH HAD ALREADY BEEN CHANGED NOT BY WHAT THEY HAVE SEEN WITH THEIR EYES, BUT BY WHAT THEY HAVE COME TO BELIEVE WITH THEIR HEARTS.)

                 How do we make sense of this very intense and formative passage for our Christian lives today?  We can perhaps relate to the disciples, huddled in fear and failure in that small room; afraid that they will be found and flogged and maybe even crucified themselves.  Ashamed and feeling weak that they failed so miserably, that they did not try to help Jesus; dismayed and maybe even a bit angry that they themselves had been abandoned by their leader; having had their hopes, their vision, their mission dashed to pieces.  And what about the news from Mary? Perhaps she brought glimmers of hope?  Perhaps seeds of jealousy?  Perhaps genuine concern that Mary had become delusional in her grief?  We certainly know the feelings of fear and loss, feelings of failing someone whom we have let down, feelings of anger toward the one who has let us down, who has left us bereft, anger toward God for letting us down.

             And then Jesus appears. Not with anger and admonition, not with recrimination and orders to repent.  But with a word of peace.  Ah, this is the One from God they have known all along—God has not abandoned them! They see Jesus with their hearts as much as with their eyes, as they hear the inclusive and welcoming words of the One they have come to love and honor.  How often has any of us heard words of peace in the midst of our greatest fears and losses?  The words of Jesus through a passage from scripture, in earnest prayer, through a friend, a family member, a minister, a kind stranger?  Words of forgiveness when we have expected recrimination?  This is the One our hearts yearn to see.  God has not abandoned us!  God loves us with total abandon and lifts us from our fears, our pain, our feelings of failure, into new healing and transformative courage.

And Jesus comes with words of commission.  I am sending you to offer a word of peace, a hand of healing, to forgive, just as I have offered such gifts to you.  Jesus had told the disciples during his earthly life that they would do even greater things than he, and he gets it started right away.  Jesus appears to be aware that it takes time for human beings to heal from horrible trauma.  It takes time to take in a forgiving and empowering God when you‘re expecting a judging God of recrimination.  Maybe Jesus realizes that 50 days are needed to heal, learn and relearn, remember all that Jesus lived and taught, so that they can receive the Spirit’s power on Pentecost and begin to spread the good news of God’s message beyond Jerusalem, throughout the known world and beyond.  And Jesus beckons from us the same:  to take time to heal, to learn and relearn, to remember all that Jesus lived and taught, to receive Jesus’ spirit anew and afresh, and to spread the forgiving and healing grace to others as we have received forgiving and healing grace; for as the disciples then were commissioned, so are we.

             Something very special happened that resurrection day and the 50 days to follow until Pentecost.  We only have the accounts in the gospels that tell us what the first disciples saw with their eyes.  We may not understand and we may each have our opinions about what actually happened.  But if Jesus Christ were just one more martyr who died for a cause, whose followers claimed visions afterward, his memory as a great man who did great good may have received mention in the historical writings of the time.  His movement may have been a blip on the screen of so many movements that rose up around that time in the history of the world.  But something extraordinary happened that  day and the days to follow—something extraordinary that changed the course of history, that began a religious movement that has thrived for two millennia, that is still alive and well today, that continues to breathe fresh winds of the Spirit into our lives and the lives of millions around the globe.  Something happened that resurrection day and the 50 days that followed until Pentecost, something very real, when the fullness of Christ’s spirit was unleashed and the church of Jesus Christ was birthed by disciples, disciples who began in failure and weakness, but who ended in incredible courage and faith--a faith that has been the cornerstone of our faith, for you and for me today, who do not see with our eyes, but who dare to see with our hearts.  And so we are here today, disciples in heart faith, still celebrating the incredible mystery of suffering, cross, tomb, resurrection, onward to Pentecost.

             For the disciples in that small room, it seems, confirmation of their leader’s death made his new presence more real.  Since then disciples of the Risen Christ practice rituals during the Lenten season, especially during Holy Week, that give heart evidence of Jesus’ passion and death.  Just as the first disciples, disciples throughout the ages have observed the memory of Christ’s death, perhaps, to help the presence of new life become more real.   Such practice is handed down through spoken word and written gospel. Such practice is born of tradition.  Such practice is crucial to our faith.  Such practice has become the most sacred of Christian observances in the liturgical year.  And when we see and witness every year, we see with the hearts of all those who have gone before us, beginning with the first witnesses, with all those who have heard the word of peace and forgiveness, with all those who have answered the call of Christ to spread that word of peace and forgiveness to all who dare to listen and see with their hearts.

And right now, we are in the midst of such seeing.  Just last week, we celebrated gloriously, didn’t we?  Wasn’t this sanctuary filled with Christ’s living Spirit?  The music of children and adults? The music of the hand bells, flute and organ?  The aroma of the lilies? The story of Betty Butterfly and the children’s faces as they each took a butterfly as their own reminder to spread their wings and rise to new life? The prayers and celebrations of many, as words became flesh? As Jesus’ presence met us in the real places where we live, in our grief and fears and need for healing, in our celebrations and joys and need for laughter?  Didn’t it feel like Jesus had breathed on us with words of peace and loving forgiveness?  And we celebrated not bypassing the entrance into Jerusalem, the passion, the last supper, the betrayal, the denial, the cross, the tomb.  Just as the first disciples, we heart witnessed the wounds and the crucifixion as we heart witnessed the breath of Jesus’ spirit, alive and anew in each of our heart’s seeing.

And Jesus is not done yet helping us to see.  Because Pentecost is coming.  In less than 50 days, we will celebrate the birth of the church, the incredible transformation into empowerment of the first now weak and fearful disciples.  Along these 50 days we will talk, we will process, we will learn and relearn, as we look at Jesus’ time with the disciples until Pentecost.  Stay tuned.  We have seen and will continue to see with our hearts.  We will indeed come to see with our spirits.

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